Finding Your Values: A Compass for Authentic Living
Have you ever felt like you're drifting through life, making decisions based on what's expected rather than what feels right? Or perhaps you find yourself successful by external measures yet somehow unfulfilled? Maybe you keep ending up in situations that don't fit, relationships that don't nourish you, or paths that lead somewhere you didn't want to go.
These experiences often point to a disconnection from your values. When we don't know what truly matters to us, or when we're living according to values we've absorbed from others without examination, we can end up feeling lost even when we appear to have direction.
At the Center for Healing & Personal Growth, we frequently work with people who feel this disconnection. They might say, "I don't know who I am anymore" or "I'm doing everything right, so why do I feel so wrong?" Often, the journey toward answers begins with a fundamental question: What do you value?
What Are Values, Really?
Values are the principles and qualities that matter most to you. They're not goals you achieve or rules you follow. They're the underlying foundations that give your life meaning and direction. They're the "why" beneath your decisions and actions.
Think of values as a compass rather than a map. A map shows you exactly where to go and how to get there. A compass simply points you in a direction. Values don't tell you specifically what to do in every situation, but they help you orient yourself and make decisions that feel aligned with who you are.
Some examples of values include:
Authenticity
Compassion
Creativity
Growth
Connection
Independence
Justice
Adventure
Security
Contribution
Integrity
Playfulness
Notice that values are different from goals. "Get married" is a goal. "Connection" or "partnership" might be the underlying value. "Make money" is a goal. "Security," or "freedom," or "contribution" might be the value underneath.
The Cost of Ignoring Your Values
When your daily life doesn't align with your values, you might experience a range of uncomfortable symptoms even if you can't quite name what's wrong.
Persistent dissatisfaction. Nothing feels quite right, even when things are objectively going well. You might have the job, relationship, or lifestyle you thought you wanted, yet feel chronically unfulfilled.
Decision paralysis. Without a clear sense of what matters most, every decision becomes difficult. You don't have an internal compass to guide you, so you're constantly looking outside yourself for answers about what you should do.
Resentment and burnout. When you're spending time and energy on things that don't align with your values, it depletes you in a way that meaningful activities don't. You might feel exhausted even when you're not objectively overworked.
Identity confusion. You might feel like you're playing a role rather than living authentically. "I don't even know who I am anymore" is a common refrain from people who've lost touch with their values.
Relationship difficulties. When you're not clear on your own values, it's hard to communicate your needs, set appropriate boundaries, or choose partners and friends whose values complement yours. Our couples therapy services often help partners clarify their individual and shared values.
Anxiety and depression. Living out of alignment with your values can contribute to mental health challenges. When your life doesn't reflect what matters most to you, it's natural to feel anxious about the future or depressed about the present.
Why Values Get Lost or Hidden
Most of us don't start life with a clear, conscious understanding of our values. Instead, we absorb them from family, culture, religion, media, and other influences. Some of these adopted values truly resonate with who we are. Others don't, but we may not realize we have permission to question them.
Family expectations. You might have internalized that success means a particular career path, that family loyalty requires certain sacrifices, or that security should be prioritized above all else, even if these don't genuinely align with what matters to you.
Cultural messages. Society sends powerful messages about what should matter: wealth, status, appearance, productivity. Even when you consciously reject these messages, they can still influence your choices at an unconscious level.
Trauma and survival. When you've experienced trauma, your primary value often becomes safety and survival. This is completely understandable and necessary. But as you heal, you may be ready to reconnect with other values that got pushed aside during survival mode. Our trauma therapy helps people navigate this reconnection.
Life transitions. Major changes like becoming a parent, losing someone you love, changing careers, or reaching a new life stage can shake up your values. What mattered intensely at 25 might not resonate the same way at 45.
People-pleasing patterns. If you learned early that your worth depended on meeting others' needs, you might have lost touch with what matters to you independently of what others want from you.
The Process of Discovering Your Values
Identifying your values is both simple and profound. It doesn't require expensive assessments or complex analysis. It requires honest reflection and a willingness to know yourself.
1. Start With What Brings Meaning
Think about moments in your life when you've felt most alive, most yourself, most fulfilled. Don't focus on momentary pleasures or achievements. Look for experiences that felt deeply meaningful, where you lost track of time or felt a sense of rightness.
What were you doing? Who were you with? What qualities were you expressing? The answers often point toward your values.
For example, if you recall the meaning you found in helping a friend through a difficult time, values like compassion, loyalty, or contribution might be important to you. If you remember the satisfaction of creating something new, creativity or innovation might be core values.
2. Notice What Angers You
Your strong reactions, especially anger or indignation, often point toward values. When you see someone being treated unfairly and feel outrage, justice might be a core value. When you witness environmental destruction and feel distressed, stewardship or sustainability might matter deeply to you.
These reactions aren't random. They emerge from a violation of what you hold important.
3. Consider What You Sacrifice For
Look at what you make time for when time is tight. What do you protect in your schedule? What are you willing to give up other things to maintain? These choices often reflect your true values, whether or not you've consciously recognized them.
Similarly, consider what you've sacrificed in the past. Were those sacrifices aligned with your values, or did they violate them? Both answers are informative.
4. Explore Different Value Lists
Sometimes seeing options helps clarify what resonates. Look at lists of values online or in workbooks. Notice which words create a spark of recognition, a sense of "yes, that's important to me."
Don't overthink this. Your first, gut-level response often reveals truth before your logical mind has time to second-guess based on what you think you should value.
5. Try on Different Scenarios
Imagine yourself at the end of your life, looking back. What would you need to have experienced, contributed to, or become to feel your life was well-lived? What would you regret not doing or being?
This exercise helps cut through the noise of daily life to what fundamentally matters.
Living According to Your Values
Identifying your values is valuable, but the real transformation comes from using them to guide your life. This doesn't mean making sudden, dramatic changes. It means gradually bringing more alignment between what matters to you and how you live.
Use Values as a Decision-Making Tool
When facing decisions, big or small, check them against your values. Which option aligns better with what matters most to you? This doesn't mean the right choice will always be obvious, but you'll have a framework for thinking it through.
If one of your core values is authenticity but you're considering a career path that would require you to present a false version of yourself, that misalignment is important information. If connection matters deeply to you but you're choosing a lifestyle that isolates you, it's worth examining that choice.
Identify Small Changes
You don't have to overhaul your life overnight. Look for small ways to bring more of your values into your daily experience. If creativity is important but absent from your current life, could you incorporate a creative hobby? If adventure matters but feels far away, could you explore new places in your own city?
These small adjustments often feel more satisfying than you'd expect because they feed something essential.
Set Boundaries Based on Values
Values can guide boundaries. When you're clear that rest is important to you, it becomes easier to say no to requests that would deprive you of it. When you know that integrity matters, it's easier to speak up in situations where you're being asked to compromise it.
Our coaching services can help you develop skills in setting boundaries that honor your values.
Communicate Your Values in Relationships
Being clear about your values helps you communicate more effectively in relationships. Instead of vague complaints, you can speak specifically about what matters to you. "I value quality time, and I've been feeling disconnected from you lately. Can we talk about ways to prioritize time together?" This is more productive than "You're never around."
Revisit and Refine
Your values aren't carved in stone. Life experiences, personal growth, and changing circumstances can shift what matters most to you. It's worth revisiting your values periodically to ensure they still reflect who you are rather than who you used to be.
When Values Conflict
Sometimes you'll find that two of your values conflict in a particular situation. You value both honesty and kindness, but being completely honest in a situation might cause unnecessary pain. You value both independence and connection, but a relationship requires interdependence.
These tensions are normal. Values aren't meant to remove all difficulty from decision-making. They're meant to help you make difficult decisions with greater clarity about what you're prioritizing and why.
When values conflict, consider context. In some situations, one value might take precedence; in others, the balance shifts. The goal isn't perfect consistency but thoughtful navigation of complexity.
The Role of Professional Support
Sometimes the work of identifying and living by your values benefits from professional support. Therapy provides space for deep reflection, helps you distinguish between values you've adopted and those that truly resonate, and supports you in making changes that align your life with what matters most.
At the Center for Healing & Personal Growth, our individual therapy services create space for this exploration. Whether through traditional talk therapy, hypnotherapy, or other approaches, we help clients reconnect with what gives their life meaning and direction.
For those navigating specific life transitions or decisions, our coaching services offer targeted support in clarifying values and using them to guide next steps.
Your Values, Your Life
Your values are yours. Not your parents', not society's, not what you think they should be. Yours. And your life is yours to live according to what matters most to you.
This doesn't mean ignoring responsibilities or acting without regard for others. It means making conscious choices about how you meet those responsibilities and care for others in ways that align with your values rather than violate them.
The journey of identifying and living by your values isn't a one-time exercise. It's an ongoing practice of checking in with yourself, adjusting course when needed, and gradually building a life that feels increasingly authentic and meaningful.
If you're feeling lost, unfulfilled, or disconnected from what matters, exploring your values might be the compass you need. And if you'd like support in that exploration, we're here to help. Contact us to learn more about how therapy or coaching can support you in living a more value-aligned life.
Your values are already within you, waiting to be recognized and honored. The life you're meant to live is the one that reflects what matters most to you. It's never too late to find that compass and start following it.
Remember, you don't have to navigate life's challenges alone—healing and growth are possible with the right support. Reach out to the Center for Healing & Personal Growth today to discover how our trauma-informed, heart-centered approach can help you thrive.
